A new week, a new chance

So I have had a few people ask me to blog more, well I hate to tell you, every time i am on here to blog i get writers block. I am just not awesome at the whole blogging thing. Anyways, guess i will just banter on and then if you don't like it then don't read it. :)

Last week my car broke down, after a few hours working on it, and a few phone calls, we have decided that it is probably my fuel injectors, which are exceptionally expensive to replace... because if something cheap broke it wouldn't be my car lol.

Our dryer also stopped working, which is wonderful, it runs without clothes in it, but you pop even a few shirts in and it trips the circuit breaker. Yea, wish it was still summer i would just hang my clothes out to dry, but then i am sure that the neighbors would sign a petetion to have me stop, as i am sure they do not want to see my underwear hanging on a line in the backyard.

Jake and I started temple prep classes again, it's fun and we are enjoying the reading part, last time we took the class it was very confusing, but the new teacher is awesome.

Last week I think i hit a breaking point, seemed like my whole life was falling down around me, but hey that's life right? a never ending circle of reality, and more bills than there is money. One thing that I am priding myself on is that unlike my biological mother Tami, I have managed to stay away from the evil that consumes so many people, an alcohol or drug addiction, instead i am getting money and going to the bakery on the corner to get donuts lol, so ok i have an addiction, its food. I am a closet food lover.

Miss J is getting really big, and so are her vocal cords, i think the people three blocks down can hear when she screams. She loves school and Mr Bob, whenever i drop her off i hear Mr Bob, Mr Bob, school! she gets excited. She gets into everything, and is independent she only wants me if she cannot reach something or she has an owie she wants kissed. She loves water and Kipper the dog, and of course her daddy!

Jake and I are trying to get into the process of painting our house, its so hard to do alone totally want a painting party or something. I am thinking of doing the living room a light blue and then the back bedroom a light purple (Jake is thrilled with the purple idea). Jake has big plans now, he wants to build a garage and put a master bed and bath above it, which I'm going to say i definitely do not hate that idea.

Grandma M bought Miss J a Tinkerbell outfit for Halloween, very cute. I am going to be a fairy too, and I am trying to get daddy into tights or a skirt, which i think would be hilarious, for some reason he is not crazy about it.

I am also so thankful for the people in my life that have supported me lately through this tough time in my life. Jill, who is always full of ideas and i think is the worlds greatest mom! Sarah, who is always such a good ear and someone i know i can always confide in, and once again another worlds greatest mom! My mom Cheryl, for always being so willing to help any way that she possibly can, and my greatest mom. Cara, because she always listens and gives me her honest opinion, and I can tell her anything and i know she wont judge me. And of course Uncle Rich, because there is no sugar coating on his words of advice, and i can say that whenever something happens, your voice is always in my head telling me what to do. I also love my husband so very much, we have been through so very much and this road which is our marriage is full of pot holes, cracks, and freaking land mines! At the end of it all when the dust settles we are still together, with Miss J, and we are a family. I love you all so much, yep i guess I'm in a sentimental mood today. I just realized that sometimes we don't take the time to thank the people in our life who make it a little less bumpy.

I also know that there are so many other people I can put on here, probably up in at least the hundreds, so if i did not mention you, here is a BIG THANK YOU for anything and everything you do in my life, for the things you do for me or my family. Sometimes even those "little things" really make a difference in my day. Someone leaving a note to say they love me, or hope that we are doing well. And other people calling and dropping by.

Sometimes i forget how good i have it sometimes, but you all make me remember! Sometimes we all get lost in the "everything is bad" "another thing gone wrong" "when it rains it pours" and we forget the people around us, and the fact that we really have good things and people in our life. The point is, you can have a house that runs well, is clean all the time, a car that is never broken, all the money and time in the world, and without the people in our life it would all be meaning-less. I know that my life would be completely void without the people i love.

i really do love the song " find out who your friends are" by Tracy Lawrence. All because I have people who can be my best friend and say they will be there until the end, but when i fall back down they are not around to help me back up. When you are at your worst, when you are down, sad, and alone, your true friends don't care. Your true friends love you for you, and no matter how bad you get, they know how good you still are. They see the light inside of you, and they are there to bring it out. They are there to light it if it goes out as well, I can say that through the last few months i know who my real friends are, and i am thankful for them beyond words.

who am i

i cant breath

i cant stay here

i don't know where i belong

but its not near

thought i found somewhere to lay

that i could stay with you

but i feel so confused today

i lost sight of where i am

and where i am heading

i could shut the world out

but it comes through the door

half of me is done with it ending

the other is tired of just pretending

i tried to be who you all wanted

and i got turned away

i cant be me

and i cant be who i pretend to be

when i found a place to lay my head

i found i cant be fed

you all push me so far

to be who i cannot

we could have been all

but instead we are left

with a broken home with nothing

i cant believe its now

i found ways to keep you near

but then i found it wouldn't work

i have to give in to my fears

this cant last forever

it was never meant to last until tomorrow

that was so long ago

i lost sight of where i was

i cant find you i cant find me

Ive had enough of this place

i wanted to leave with you

but now all i can hear in your words

is how you need some space

i feel like I'm drowning

there is no way to save me

and when i reach for you

there is no one there to hold onto

you aint nothin

Sometimes it feels just like I've always been

Stuck going round every second I'm in

I feel just like I'm going to loose control

Just when i feel like I'm ready to crash

I find a peace of mind and i travel back

I remember the words and all of the tears

I can feel all the pain when i look through the years

But somehow i made it through and to this point

I found all the love that i ever wanted

I searched high and low and fate always taunted

That i would end up on the wrong side of the road

But i pushed further still I never gave up

I knew who i was and kept my chin up

So if you think that i will just stop and give up here

you have no idea who i am

cause you aint nothin

In life i have found that you cannot sit down

you cant be naive and you cant screw around

i found what i needed a long time ago

a strength that never let me let go

I don't give up easy and never back down

I don't ever look for the easy way round

so if you think that you found a way

to push me down, this is all i have to say

I found all the love that i ever wanted

I searched high and low and fate always taunted

That i would end up on the wrong side of the road

But i pushed further still I never gave up

I knew who i was and kept my chin up

So if you think that i will just stop and give up here

you have no idea who i am

cause you aint nothin

I can find a way around you

I can push right on through

ill never give up and never stop for you

And that's all that i need now

because,

I found all the love that i ever wanted

I searched high and low and fate always taunted

That i would end up on the wrong side of the road

But i pushed further still I never gave up

I knew who i was and kept my chin up

So if you think that i will just stop and give up here

you have no idea who i am

cause you aint nothin

Atonement

So I would have to say that about 8 months ago, i did not fully understand the Atonement, but after Brother Bowcutts beautiful graphics on the chalkboard, and prayer, and scriptures, i have gained more knowledge about the Atonement. I was reminded of the Atonement today, as many of you may have seen I posted two comments on a very long posting board, it went from not selling pornography in Utah to one man who was arguing with everyone on the posting board. He claimed that he did not believe in God or Jesus, he had a mission and i quote "to show non- members how you all really are." He said that it is "ridiculous to pay tithing, because it just goes to the church and they use it to fund things that have nothing to do with the church. Mormons are just brainwashed." He went on to argue with the some 160+ people who responded with how much they have been blessed in their life from the church. It was amazing to read all of their stories and how they have been persecuted for their beliefs, mainly when they convert and they have family members that disown them, or ridicule from members in their society. It made me feel so thankful that I was blessed to be born into a state where most are LDS and they do not ridicule me for my beliefs. There are, however, still people in my life that ridicule me. It makes me think first of all about Jesus, and how he was ridiculed for what he believed and taught. He went through his whole life like that, and suffered in Gethsemane, and then again when he was beaten, whipped and then crucified. I can only imagine how much love that would take to say those words "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Because i would be screaming and saying inappropriate words and probably wishing i knew witchcraft to curse them all lol. Jesus had such a deep love for us, that he treated us like a child who merely spilled a glass of milk on the floor on accident, he treated us with love although they treated him with extreme prejudice, hate and made him suffer so. Also, I cant imagine the love that Heavenly Father must have for us, to send his only begotten son, to Earth, to be born, teach and then be tortured and killed. Could you send your child into a life like that? Do you not try your whole life to protect your children? Those sweet little baby with ten tiny fingers and toes, who grasps your heart from the very first breath they take, to the day that you die. Could you send your child to be crucified when you knew exactly how it would happen, and that they would suffer great pain? I don't know if i could, even to save humanity. Both of them knew, why though. They knew that the only way for us to be able to return home to to live with him again is through the Atonement, through baptism, repentance, faith, prayer, and I am so sorry Brother Bowcutt i get an F I forgot the other one, good thing I'm not the president of the church. Heavenly Father also gave us free will, and even though Jesus knew through-out time people would deny him, they would deny God, he still died for them as well. I feel great pity for people who do deny the love they have been given, and still will be given no matter what they do. I feel bad for the opportunity that they will miss when they pass through the veil, and have to wait there, patiently for someone to give them the opportunity to accept the gospel. I also think about what Joseph Smith went through, and the first pioneers of the LDS church. To be again, ridiculed, tortured with tar and feathers, and eventually becoming a martyr. I have had so many trials in my life, and so many things that have shown me the right path and how to find love and forgiveness through the gospel. I am so thankful that I have the blessings I have in my life, and I am thankful that Heavenly Father has given me all that he has, and that Jesus gave his life so that we may return to our real home once again.

Changes

Change- it is defined as many different things, but my personal favorite definition would have to be to transform or convert.

In the past few years, my life has changed drastically. Since I graduated school it seems like my life is a blur of visions and strings of laughter and tears. I became a wife, and a mother. If you do not think these are big changes, you obviously do not have children, and if you are about to have them, saran wrap your whole house.

For the most part I am one of those people who fear change, almost as much as death and especially when I do not know how things are going to change. Jake always makes fun of me because when I am about to make a commitment or a rather large change, I have to think for a very long time and weigh the options, mostly I am just terrified things will change. I have always been afraid to step out of my comfort zone, to change me myself or those around me. Lately, that like everything else has changed.

I used to view change as just things in your life, not until recently did i sit down and think that change is also in people. I always used to think of myself as a person in a river, sinking and there were people on the shore, just watching me drown. What i did not realize is that the people on the shore had changed, they had found who they were, and i had not. The truth is, before you can transform or change into the person who you are, you have to learn how to make it to the shore. You have to brave the cold fast water, walk over the rocks on the floor of the river, fall under the waves several times, and find your way with tears in your eyes from the pain sometimes. If nothing ever changed, we would not have the opportunity to prove to ourselves how strong we are, we would not know our limitations, who we could be, and we could not look back to see who we were.

Some people, however, never make it to shore. Sometimes poor souls are lost in the eternal river, and they are never found. I have lost people in my life, in very painful ways. These poor souls never found who they were, or who they could be, they gave up, or just simply went under the water and never came back up. I know that these are people that I will never forget, I also know that when they left, and took a piece of me with them, it altered me. I was changed, sometimes for the worse, but eventually the better.

I think that some things in life, are thrown in the river to knock us loose, to make us struggle so that we can obtain knowledge. Through learning, comes knowledge, with knowledge comes wisdom. Gordon B Hinckley once said "We have fundamental, basic doctrines which have held fast through more than a 150 years of time. We don’t bend with every wind of doctrine that comes along. Our doctrine is stable, it’s secure. Programmes change, we make adaptation according to the circumstances. But the basic doctrine remains the same and that becomes a solid un-shifting foundation to which people can cling in this world of instability and drifting values."

I attribute this to the river, in a river that can sweep you away, and take you in its murky water, belief and Heavenly Father can help guide you to the bank. In a river that is swift and ever changing, the gospel holds fast. Its like a line from the shore to you, to guide the way when its dark and you cannot see. When everything around you has made you loose sight of the shore, of your goal, of who you are, as long as you are holding onto that rope, the gospel, you will not be lost as others are. You will still have challenges, because that is what life is all about, but you will make it where you want to be, and you will have the love of Heavenly Father the whole time. Do not ever let go of that rope, of your faith, although you may change, it never will. I have so many people that I speak with who tell me about how they have such a hard time changing, how they cannot or do not want to change. They are afraid of what change will bring, and want to feel secure, but you have to realize you have to have courage to walk out of that river. You have to have courage to brave the icy waters, and the hazards and perils. Heavenly Father will never change his plan for us, he will never change his love, and he will never let us be swept away by the dangerous waters as long as we are holding onto the rope. He wants us to be in the river, he wants us to change, to learn, to become like him. He wants us to have trials, and to show our love for him. Of course he threw that piece of wood at your head, but hey to learn to duck, you have to be hit once or twice.

Another Quote I will leave you with is "except a man be born of water and of the spirit. He cannot enter into the kingdom of God"- Jesus Yes I believe this to be about baptism but I believe it can also be applied here, unless you can make it through the water, you cannot go to the shore, you cannot make it where you want to be.

A mans got to do what a mans got to do

As i sit here, with a towel wrapped around my head, when i am supposed to be getting ready for church, all i can think of is the lesson i have prepared today, and what it means to me.
The lesson is on peer pressure, and as far as i can say all week i have had a hard time planning it. I had a hard time because i associate peer pressure with being young and in grade or high school. The truth is, even as an adult i have peer pressure in my life. In Kings 12: 1-22, Rehoboam becomes king after his father Solomon dies. He then is asked of the people to lower taxes and be kinder. He seeks the counsel of the old men and the counsel of the young. He rejects the counsel of the old men and eventually the ten tribes revolt.
As i was preparing the lesson i was thinking of what i was going to say at the end, as part of my testimony how i was going to tell my class about how i stay true to Heavenly Father, and the scriptures. The truth is, as i am imperfect (yes Jake you better copy this and print it, i finally admitted I'm not perfect) I make bad judgement calls and succomb to peer pressure still in my life, and i am certainly out of school.
But while i was in the shower i had an revelation, yes because the shower seems to be where i have all these great revelations; i think they may be putting something in the shampoo as that's when it seems to happen the most, while i shampoo my hair. My grandpa, Leonard D Messerly was a great man, a man that i looked up to, and still do and hold in the highest regard. I miss him every day, especially as i seem to grow closer to the gospel. I wish that i could speak with him about the gospel, oh how i dream that it would be nice to sit down in front of our scriptures and read and discuss them together. Anyways, off subject a little *whispers, ADD*. My grandpa loved the gospel, and he also loved John Wayne. My grandpa had just short of an obsession for him. I liked John Wayne for several years after my grandpas passing just because he liked him.
One thing that has changed in the last few years is that I am growing more obsessed with John Wayne, his films, memorabilia, and especially his sayings from his movies. "A mans got to do what a mans got to do." seems to be the common hallucinated voice that i have in my head, I'm kidding, don't put me back in the mental house lol.
Anyways as i was reading the lesson, wondering what to say, and then eventually shampooing my hair into revelation, i realized the reason that i, and probably my grandpa, loved John Wayne. One of the questions proposed in my lesson is: How can you choose not to let peer pressure make your decisions? Who could you look up to for advice? John Wayne is my answer. And of course Jesus, that was the obvious answer because although i love John Wayne, there are uncountable times I have thought WWJD?
But John Wayne, who i have grown to be obsessed with like my grandpa, didn't take crap from no one! He was his own man in the movies, he did what he always thought was right, and in most of the movies he was just and fair. Numerous times, someone tried to get him to give in, to succumb to peer pressure, and he didn't. He was his own man and that's where my favorite saying comes in A mans got to do what a mans got to do, because that's what its about, you have to do what you need to do plain and simple. The line is drawn, its either right or wrong, there are no gray areas (except cheesecake, which although i know is very very wrong for my thighs, is so right for my taste buds.)
But this is my testimony, that you have to be your own person, you cannot give into peer pressure. You need to find your own way, and let others make their own decisions for them not you. I know that through the scriptures, and John Wayne (hope i don't find a place in hell for saying those to things together) I can learn to say no when something is not right, I can decide for myself which path I want to choose and I can do what i got to do!
Now go forth with some of my infinite knowledge, lol! and May the force and John Wayne, and Heavenly Father be with you!

Summer coming to an end.

So today as I noticed it got dark at 8; well my friend Jill noticed, I agreed I realized that summer is sadly coming to an end. Once again, my yard looks terrible, my house hasn't had any work done to the outside, and we still don't have our gas bill paid down. Which all of this I can laugh at, because, well were in podunk town so its ok. LOL

I have been to see Dr Siddoway again, and he has decided to remove the rest of my thyroid. For anyone who doesn't know, I had part of my thyroid removed back on 06' because I had A typical cells, which usually means that you have cancer. So they decided to take half of my thyroid out, and then leave the right side so that my body could still make my thyroid hormone. Also for those of you who don't know, they thyroid controls many many things in your body, if the thyroid is off it can make you sick, tired, gain weight (although doctors wont admit it), can also deal with emotions, nails, and overall health. And since I had the left side of my thyroid removed, I have still had health problems because my right side is not healthy. I have thyroiditus, which means that my thyroid is slowly killing itself, but most people have a steady down slide when they have thyroiditus, my thyroid makes a lot of hormone, and then it stops making it again. It goes up and down and effects many many things. So they scheduled me to have the rest removed on sept 10th.

Tomorrow I will also be teaching a new primary class, Valient 11 (not sure if i got that right, so sorry if i didn't) I looked over the lesson, it should be pretty interesting to teach an older class. I will miss my younger class but then again everything happens for a reason. I am sure that I will find new fun ways to teach an older group of kidlets. And hey, experience for ten years down the road when miss JJ is older lol. The lesson is The Wisdom of King Solomon, and it will be nice to have something new to study in my scriptures. I believe next summer I will not be camping and doing as many activities on sundays, i really missed church.

I also start back at work monday, which is a little nerve racking because when i am gone and go back I always feel like I am going to go back and be fired or be in trouble or something like that. Plus I hate going back to a job where I am yelled at all day by incompetent morons, who screw up their own account and then get mad at me for their mistake.